I want my resume to say photographer....

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OK well its finally over.. and honestly the stress got to us all!  I decided to pass on the position in France for a variety of reasons.  I initially turned down the job and they called me back and said that they would craft it whatever way I needed it crafted to make it work for me.  There is not better place to be in while negotiating but travel was a requirement and I wasn't sure I could make all of that work. 

IN a conversation with Jocelyn yesterday, while we were looking at what a salary increase might mean, we came to the conclusion that no amount of money would buy back the time I missed, and any increase I got would not be so significant as to change my standard of living.

This was not an easy decision to make and last night sitting in Erin's office when Matt said "I am having a hard time because I can't seem to figure out what you want" it dawned on me that I wasn't sure what I wanted. 
I have taken the approach in the past that when an opportunity comes your way you take it - but there are a couple of things that are different this time around.

I love my Matty: This is the first time a big choice like this has come up and I have been in a serious relationship.  This time my choice would affect that person and our relationship - good, bad or indifferent.  I had to give that some thought this time and some of my old fears about making the wrong choice came into play.  Matt told me he would support me whatever choice I made but what if the choice I made wasn't what he wanted.... and did I even know what I wanted? 

I love my photography:  It would have been one thing if I had said I want to be a international project manager, or I was interested in climbing the corporate ladder here at my job, or that I wanted to be an SVP by the time I am 45 - but I don't... i want to be a photographer and taking a job for a year in France isn't going to make my photography resume look any better, as a matter of fact is going to make it look worse since I will lose all that time I could be home shooting.  I would have passed up on opportunities and weddings and experience that I could use NOW to beef up that resume and that is what is important.

I love my life:  I really do....I love the plans that we have for the summer, I love my little business that is growing, I love seeing Erin every day at work, I love cooking dinner for Matt during the week, I love Hailey and Riley, we love to fly kites in the summer and go to Mi's house for dinner, I love my dog and my church and going to the movies and being able to see the people that I care about every day.. and I can't do all of that with this job.   And not that I wouldn't have been able to craft a schedule that had me home a lot, it would have been that this job would be a 60  hour a week job - even when I am home.  And now I have a 40 hour a week day job, and its predictable and easy and I can do the things I love much more than if I took another job.

This experience was good for us. I think Matt and I grew closer through this experience.  We had to discuss things and talk about what each of us wanted, and compromise and see what fits best.  I hope through all of it we were honest with each other.  I think in the end we are both happy with the decision - I know I am because I like being with him and being in France means I would do that less:(

This experience also gave me an appreciation for my current job.  Sure its not mentally challenging and there are some quirks but you know what it doesn't leave me tired (physically or mentally) at the end of the day so I can be ready to focus on photography.  Instead of railing against what this job is not I am going to appreciate it for all that it is and what it lets me do. 

I need to take all that energy I would have spent on this job and doing the French work and turn that into my photography business.  This experience heightened that knowledge for me and gave me a bit of a nudge which I needed.